Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You Paperback – May 16, 2014

It was relatable, authentic and easy to read - which is rare in many self-help books. From her own experiences that she shares in the book as well as her grasp of shame and codependency leave no doubt that Darlene is a true expert in this field. Even though this book feels targeted towards people that have a high level of codependency, I feel like it is applicable to everyone, as we all struggle with shame, identity and self esteem in some way or another.Early on in the book, Darlene writes, "Helping people uncover and recover their true self and proudly stand up for who they are, without apology, is what I'm most passionate about." This rings true throughout the book. I feel more aware of who I am, I am more aware of the shame that presses down on me and I feel like I have more permission to be who I am and assert myself.I appreciate how most of the book really dives into the detail of the problem - of identifying shame and exploring codependency so deeply before moving on to the final chapter that contains the "8 Steps to Free Your True Self." Nothing was gimmicky and came across as solid principles that I can work with.For example, here is an excerpt from the final chapter under Step 7: Build Your Self-Esteem: "Being assertive involves risk, which is essential to sharing feelings and communicating needs in a manner that provides empowerment and safety. Essentially, this means taking positions, making requests, setting boundaries, and conveying our own thoughts and feelings without commenting on or evaluating someone else's. Developing our true self and self-esteem also requires taking action by becoming more autonomous:Learning skills, accomplishing goals, and having interests, Supportive friends, and pleasurable hobbies.Easy? No. Gimmicky? No. True? Yes.Here are some other excerpts that really hit home for me:"Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." (pp 14)"To feel truly loved, we must believe we're accepted for who we are, not who our parents [or anyone else] prefers." (pp 27)"Alone, we feel empty or depressed, so we may be attracted to the enlivening effect of relationships filled with conflict and drama." (pp 30)"Yet, whatever we deny, repress, or suppress doesn't just go away. Instead, unbeknownst to us, it influences our behavior." (pp 51)"Withdrawal doesn't stop our feelings of unworthiness, and we risk being lonely at the cost of comfort and support of close, interdependent relationships." (pp 53)"Once in treatment for my eating disorder, I discovered that dieting, food, and weight were not the issue. I was trying to fill a void that food could not possibly touch - soul hunger." (pp 82)"If the deepest despair is the loss of our real self, the solution is to assume responsibility and choose to live authentically: to become our real self." (pp 85)"Self-criticism" may be a thorn in our side, nit it is also one of the first things we can change to improve our self-esteem." (pp 96)"We attempt to control in order to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings, our actions, and the unmet needs that cause us unhappiness. We either adjust to others or think others should adjust to us. This is an unconscious, compulsive process that differs form acceptance, self-care, and healthy compromise, which are necessary in relationships." (pp 114)

I began reading this book to learn more about codependency and how and why shame has taken a type of foothold in some of my behaviors. As an adult, I felt that somehow I was hard-wired to feelings that seemed to trigger and activate behaviors that I didn't understand. The following are just a few of the examples of what I mean: Why do I withdraw and sometimes even isolate whenever I am criticized? Why do I have a need to people please? Why do I hold back my own opinions, and even fear rejection, particularly around other men? I was usually confused about my identity and why I continued these behaviors!I browsed Darlene Lancer's book closely to observe the chapter titles, charts and basic flow. After all, I had noted her success with her book entitled "Codependency for Dummies" and liked her knowledge and depth of understanding codependency and also her writing style. My decision was to read the book slowly, carefully and in depth and work to answer the questions. I seriously hoped to progress with this process.To help me with this study, I purchased 6 copies, keeping one for myself. I gave two family members and 3 friends a copy and asked all 5 of them to join me reading, discussing and sharing as best we could. In this manner, I planned to not hold back on sharing so as to increase my opportunity for growth.As I read, worked and shared, I found a deep rooted shame based set of behaviors that I could understand. I knew my behaviors and used them to uncover the connections in my memories, as I examined my relationship triggers, related thoughts, feelings, and in particular defenses. My shame is deep rooted as I believe everyone's is, and Lancer's 8 steps outline a process for uncovering, sharing, letting go, rebuilding my self esteem and love for myself. I learned that I seemed to addicted to using my own shame based behaviors to survive and it negatively effected my relationships. Shame acts like a medicine to sedate my feelings, and to try and protect me form the reality of my true feelings. When I use it, it rewards me with a lack of intimacy and keeps me trapped into repeated the insanity of the behavior.Is this a powerful book? It is life changing!! Thank you Darlene Lancer!

Top notch reading. The most helpful book I have read on the subject of Codependency. Ms Lancer's writing style is clear and concise and her book is full of insights into the workings of the codependent mind. It has given me answers to questions I have had for most of my life and, in so doing, has brought about a lot of positive changes for me. I feel validated and understood and overwhelmingly relieved to learn that I'm not crazy after all. That there is rhyme and reason to the dark labyrinth of my mind. Ms Lancer's book shines a light on the path towards freeing ourselves from the dark places in our minds and all those self-defeating behaviours that trip us up and lead us back into the labyrinth of shame. I do not exaggerate when I say that this one book has taught me more about myself ... who I am and why ... and the ways in which shame has affected every aspect of my life than anything else I have read. It has given me hope and inspired a better future for myself. I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who is genuinely interested in becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.

This is a very good book and has helped me tremendously with healing. I grew up in a traumatic home and developed CPTSD as a result. I have gone to several therapists and the material in this book was some of the most helpful!I took off one star though because towards the end of the book I felt like the author went on a little push of her own views on different sexual type situations. I felt it odd because some of those situations can result in the very issues the book was written to address. I know that was true in my situation. Apart from that chapter, I felt the book was very strong and very helpful!