Every year, millions of tourists flock to Florida for the sandy beaches, sexy South Beach, and/or a sweet pair of oversized mouse ears with their name embroidered on the back. A Florida vacation is usually safe and air-conditioned, but for the more adventurous, the trip can include a quest to the state's most mythical place - Gainesville. Home to the University of Florida's "Gator Chomp", a visit to Gainesville is on many a bucket list, but there are inherent dangers to an overland journey through rural Florida. 1) Florida is a disgusting swamp. The mosquitoes are voracious and congregate by the trillions. Guidebooks recommend you stay inside your vehicle and lather yourself with bug spray. But sooner or later, a mosquito is going to chase you down and suck your blood. What tourists don't realize is that most of the rural population in Florida is addicted to methamphetamines and riddled with Hepatitis. The poor mosquitoes feed on the diseased natives and pass it on to unsuspecting tourists. It's a real problem. 2) Most rural Floridians can't afford a television but those who do own a TV are rabid Florida Gator fans. You can easily spot them cloaked in orange and blue ensembles over their lesion-covered bodies. These people are not to be trusted and when approached by one or a group, DO NOT RUN, stay calm. The natives speak a loose English dialect, but they will likely be too drunk to actually form words. "Is this trip worth it? Yes, but you have to come prepared. The most important piece of equipment is a pair of Wrist Chomps. Marauding clans of hillbillies instantly see the color palate and feel at ease. The bands' terry cloth exterior keep your hands dry and free for use, while the plush stitching acts as an impenetrable force-field to mosquitoes thirsty to drink from your wrist's vulnerable arteries. Wrist Chomps won't replace common sense, but they might be the piece of equipment that saves your life on the journey to Gainesville.
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