Preparing Your Child for Dating Paperback – June 1, 1998

This book is a wonderful source to any parent embarking on the independence & dating period of their children. The book provides great insight to what can go wrong and quickly, to the point of NO return! The advice is priceless! Simple actions that seem innocent and without consequence can blow up into a major incident with irreversible consequences – this book helps prepare parents for these events and how to avoid them. A simple advice offered by Dr. Bob Barnes in this book for screening the hosts of parties and gatherings to determine if the event is suitable for your child to attend was of great help to us as parents. Additionally, Dr. Barnes’ advice about having your child prepare a list of qualities they want in a mate and a soul partner was of great value for our daughter as she navigated the teenage years and high school where so many children flounder. The book has been a key to our child's success in finding a wonderful soul mate and life partner. We have been so fortunate to have this resource while nurturing/guiding our daughter through this precarious stage in her life, riding the roller coaster of teenage dating and coaching her through the ups and downs of love and relationships. We highly recommend this book to parents who are interested in learning more about teaching children valuable principles of dating and relationships.

excellent information ,well-present, as always, by Bob Barnes. There's no one else like him!

Bob Barnes is an excellent teacher.

Book ReviewPreparing Your Child for Dating (Dr. Bob Barnes, Zondervan, 1998;203pp)by Ed VasicekPreparing Your Child for Dating is an excellent, well-rounded volume covering the broad spectrum of dating issues from a mainstream evangelical Christian viewpoint. The author, Dr. Bob Barnes, operates under the premise that controlled dating under parental supervision prepares one for dating when no longer under that supervision. Courtship (as per Josh Harris) he argues, leaves a child naive and unprepared for dating once "out of the nest."The book is divided into four sections, with sections two and three receiving the most space. The divisions are: (1)A Generation with No Guidelines,(2)The Plan for Dating,(3)The Dating Process,and(4)The Lessons Learned.Two chapters were notable in the first section. One of them, entitled, "Develop a Plan Before You Develop A Problem" urges parents to be proactive in dating. He writes, "Left to their own devices,with no guidance from parents,teens begin dating with very immature ideas about the opposite sex.....Parents must develop a dating plan for their children...(pp.24-25)."Another chapter, titled, "Who's in Charge Here?" tells it like it often is: "In many homes, the children are in charge of their own dating. Their parents think there's nothing they can do...In Parent-Directed Dating, the parents implement a training program that teaches their children about dating but puts the responsibility for proper dating squarely on the shoulders of the child, (pp.35-36)."Section two talks about developing a "dating plan." Since the long-term goal of dating is to find an appropriate person to marry, Dr. Barnes suggests developing a list with children before they date as to what they want in a mate. The list is divided into absolute requirements(examples: a dedicated Christian,no drugs/alcohol, etc.),important but not absolutely necessary qualities, and then preferences. When a girl is asked out on a date,for example,she goes over that list with a parent. This helps decisions to be more objective and less emotional. Rather than become emotionally involved and then choosing whether to obey the Lord or rationalize disobedience,misplaced emotions are avoided.When going to a "party," the author argues, it is very logical for parents to speak to the host parents. They need to inquire as to whether the parents will be present and what standards will be upheld. Though young people will claim theirs was the only mom to do such a thing, Dr.Barnes says "do it!"Parents must also discuss with their teens what is and is notappropriate. The word "appropriate," he suggests, is a key term. What sort of affection(in public and private)is and is not acceptable? What sort of places are and are not appropriate?In the third section,the author discusses "The Dating Process." Ages for double and single dating must be decided beforehand. The author gives no absolute plan (purposely so),but does mention that his daughter was allowed to double date at age 16, for example. Privileges must be earned(for example, a curfew can be extended after a young person has proven himself/herself trustworthy by obeying the previous curfew, etc;otherwise the curfew is made even earlier!). Quiet, objective firmness can control the argumentive pattern that develops when parents give in.One strong emphasis in this section is the importance of "interviewing" the "date" beforehand (perhaps having the young person over for Sunday dinner). This can "weed out" many problems and is in itself worth the price of the book.The last section, "The Lessons Learned" discusses releasing a prepared young person to independence, the ultimate goal being self-discipline.As a pastor, one of the biggest obstacles I find in rearing young people today is parents whose heads are buried in the sand, assuming things have changed little since they were young (as mentioned above). To all such,I share this quotation from Dr. Barnes: "Tragedy lurks when a parent chooses not to be informed...(p.137)."I give this book two thumbs up, and, along with "I Kissed DatingGoodbye," should give concerned parents a well-rounded perspective of thoughtful opinion from two differing Christian perspectives.As a pastor,I would like to add this comment: The "courtship" approach mandates that a young person whole-heartedly embrace it. I do not think it is healthy for parents to force their young people into this approach. The second approach (theabove book)is,in my opinion,the minimum for Christian parents.Remote control, the "duh, I don't know, duh, what are the other kids doing?" approach spells disaster, and is advocated by neither book. Parents know more than their teens (though your youngsters remain skeptical of this), and must direct the process.