Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know: Find Out How They Really Feel About Women, Relationships, Love, and Sex Mass Market Paperback – February 5, 1991

I enjoy Barbara's books- I have read those that applied to me, at least, and found them useful. No male-bashing in her books, just a good sales job on better communication. She doesn't always come out and say as much as I would have, however she is very good at what she does. One critique was that some of her statements are elementary. For that critic, you don't know enough people. The basics are not the basics if you don't know what they are. Some people desperately need the basics. How To Win Friends and Influence People can be criticized for the same reasons, yet it is a fantastically good book bout relationships.Barbara, good as your book is, I would have added this: I don't think women understand what it means for a man to commit. It feels like falling without a parachute. Men know they will never live up to the unrealistic expectations of romance novels, and soap operas, any more than a woman can live up to Photoshopped fantasy. For a man, commitment to marriage is like committing to crossing a minefield, with a 45% chance of a blowup, that will wipe him out financially, and at best a 10% chance of getting a good wife. How committed would you be, to odds like that, since you know how a man thinks? Can a man trust American women enough to commit? More and more American men won't. What did that comedian, Jimmy Fallon, say, he wasn't going to get married again, he was just going to find a woman he hated, and give her a house and half his income for the rest of his life?Enlisting in the Marines is taking a chance you'll get killed, but at least you're dead when you die. A bad marriage is lingering torture. Divorce does not end relationships. It poisons them. Marriage is becoming a worse and worse deal, for men. Men see a sword of Damocles, over their heads, a ticking time bomb, of a divorce that would destroy their economic future, as soon as the wedding license is signed. Fear is not a good motivator. An attractive possibility is a good motivator. You are smart enough to know that, and it shows, in your books. When you hear about men walking away from a wedding, maybe there's a reason? Maybe they just couldn't feel enough trust?I hear women in their 30's, and more, looking for a soulmate. They don't want to do the work of getting ready, usually, they figure the man will just love her as she is, with all of her problems, and usually the extra weight, and unresolved inner issues. Who wants to commit, for a lifetime, to someone who can't even get themselves prepared for a relationship? And then there is the staggering disrespect that women seem to hold for men, nowadays, in the U.S. Why would anyone commit to a ball and chain of disrespect? Who wants to risk his financial future, to be a fish's bicycle? Women have a whole range of meters to measure relationships. For a man, it is binary: either he is in one, or he's not. Either he trusts the woman sufficiently to commit to her, or he doesn't. Do you remember the Circle of Trust concept, in Meet the Fokkers? It's that way. This book is very useful, because Barbara used good ideas to show how to enter that circle of trust.Let's go further. Barbara, you say that women criticize because they want to always improve the relationship. OK. But constant bitching means that there is no reason to invest in the relationship. In binary world, he gets bitched at whether he does nice things, or not. If bitching happens either way, then he will take the least energy path, and do nothing. With a bad investment, you abandon sunk costs. You also understand the extreme importance of respect. Yes, as the Wampanoag Elder Manitonquat says, in his books, from respect grows rapport, from rapport, trust, from trust, communication, and then cooperation. A relationship is communicating, and cooperating, or it is a memory. I don't think women understand that when they cut up a man, the next woman in his life gets to deal with it, and he is also a long term advertisement for the dangers of committing, and investing in relationships.My aunt recently passed away. She was married to the same man, since 1939. She was as pleasant as she could be, she respected her husband, and he respected her. They were a great couple. For her husband, marriage was far, far better than not being married. Why buy the cow, when milk is so cheap? Because fresh milk is a lot better than store-bought, that's why. That's what a man entering marriage wants, and my uncle committed fully, for his whole life. His wife respected him, greatly, and he, her. What guarantees are there, nowadays? Religion doesn't guarantee successful marriage. Marry in haste, repent at leisure... How many lies did she tell, to get the guy? These are extremely important questions. The biggest single reason men fear commitment- and this includes investing more in a relationship- is that they don't know what they are getting, any more. My aunt was a sure thing, for her husband, at least 90%. Those odds have flipped, the odds now are 10%. Women are much more variable, nowadays, and it is not easy for a man to feel trust, and plunge into commitment, into a crap shoot with bad odds.Barbara, you talk about emotional armor. Every time a woman bitches, a man puts that armor on. Why would anyone want to give practice to a partner, in putting their armor on? One takes off armor only when one is sure there are no weapons or projectiles coming his way. Your books are useful. I sometimes compare this book to The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Some women react strongly to this, like it is submission, or giving up their freedom. Entering a relationship means giving up some freedom, yes. I see so many women who expect to be waited on, hand and foot, and not have to do much. That doesn't work. OK. There is another side to commitment: energy level. I would further have said that a woman who seeks success in a marriage needs to be on a diet and habitual thought program that gives her a lot of energy, so books such as Bragg Healthy Lifestyle: Vital Living to 120!, and even Common Sense Health and Healing, are very useful to have. Men know that a low energy wife, on a bad diet, possibly overweight, will only be a burden. Expressed a little more technically, a woman with acidic body pH will not have much energy, will feel bad all the time, and will do a lot more complaining and bitching than loving. A woman with alkaline body chemistry will be high energy, cheerful, spiritual, healthy, and generally a lot of fun to be with, except for, as you note, maybe 2 days a month. A man can handle 2 days a month.When it becomes 20, the relationship is weak. When it becomes 25-28, it is close to fracture. I hit 30, with a wife, and that was it. Out. I didn't care about the tears, or anything else, it was over, the only question was the accounting. One thing I would have added is that men do have a breaking point- remember the binary- and when they pass through it, going back is not easy, and may not be possible.Most men don't want a marriage that is a battle. I have run into a number of men- divorced- who just don't want a serious relationship with a woman. They've had enough. I saw them in the military, I see them now. Sometimes they go overseas, to find a wife. That's not a guarantee, of course. Some play around. I don't think women understand that the "soulmate" so many of them seem to be seeking may just not have any interest in a relationship. Once bitten, twice shy, right?I used to know a veteran, who married his high school sweetheart, after coming back. She decided she wanted a divorce, 6 weeks into the marriage, and was divorced, at 3 months. He was torn up. But he survived. What did he do after that? He started going out with single mothers. In time they would give him an ultimatum, get married or leave, and he'd leave. Why bother staying? Don Juan was the way he was due to a broken heart. His ex married 2 more guys, had a kid with each. Then she realized No. 1 was the best of the lot. But No. 1 had no intention of raising somebody else's kids. The woman never figured out that she had burned her bridges behind her. I used to wonder why men didn't want to raise someone else's kids. Then I found out. A child bitterly resents having a new "dad", even if their real dad was abusive. A female child can accuse the man of molesting her- and in today's world, there is no defense. Goodbye, career. And by way, the kids do know they can do this. A male child will "test" the new dad. He may drop a possession in the toilet, and say, "What are you going to do about it?", or worse, bring drugs into the house. Of course mom will be totally in denial. I have a friend in NYC who has precisely this problem, did I mention the kid is also stealing his possessions, so he has to lock up what he wants to keep. Then there are the wives who control their husbands by threatening divorce. I know quite a few men who are counting the days, till their kids are out of school, and they will depart for parts unknown. This is not a good advertisement for marriage. The wives don't understand the thin ice they are on, usually, and play the victim oh so well. X2 played a victim very convincingly, I knew I had to get away from that woman, as my only defense was zero contact. Zen masters taught intuitive awareness by beating unaware acolytes with sticks. Women teach men intuition, in the same way.I knew a divorced sergeant, who could pick up two women per night, any night of the week, at the club, and he was ugly, and said so. He actually got into a semi-serious relationship. His buddies couldn't understand it- she was high maintenance, and had really no redeeming qualities. She managed to destroy the rapport, with constant bitching. She seemed to think he would put up with it forever. Women don't understand there is a tipping point, the binary shift.What does a man really want? A woman he can talk to, who won't blabber his deepest thoughts on 20 phone calls, emails, and so on. Someone he can trust. Someone who understands that you put more in than you see your partner putting in, because you never see all your partner does. Someone who maybe appreciates what he does, from time to time. Someone who respects him. Someone who enjoys the physical side of life. Someone who sees and inspires the best in him. Someone who has her own boundaries, and interests, and knows who she is. Someone who is smart enough to let him enter his "cave", for 20 minutes, when he comes home from work, to decompress. Someone who smiles from the heart. A woman who understands that being pleasant is important, because you have usually no more than 10 minutes of real communication, most days. I thought I had all this in wife #2, and discovered she had lied about everything, and she also had this little affair with hard liquor. I had no relationships for 4 years after that, and intended not having any, ever, I just raised the kid I had custody of. Barbara, you implied this in your book, but women think being high maintenance is somehow good. It is not. You are smart to use metaphors. Here's a male metaphor: let's say we have a car, that is high maintenance, and doesn't give back much. After a while, you give up on it, and you get rid of it, and maybe think about getting something that works. Once the decision is made, action follows. This applies to relationships with women. I had no children with X2, she made herself higher and higher maintenance, I have no idea why, and at some point I abandoned my sunk costs. There was simply no return. Thank God I didn't have a mortgage with her. I told X2 once she was very difficult to please. She said, angrily, "You're a talented guy, try harder." I swear to you, Barbara, all desire to please that woman drained out of me, like a slashed waterbed, and I never had any more desire to please her after that.Men usually don't go around saying how great their marriages are. Did you notice that? But you don't need the words. Just look at his face. How often does he smile? How happy is he? That is enough feedback. Spanish and black people know that when a woman is bitchy, difficult, and so on, she's not getting any at home. They aren't as much into denial. A man who isn't happy also isn't getting any. I know a guy who has a great wife- no 2 minutes go by, where he isn't smiling. He and she both look 10 years younger than their chronological age. Omigod, do I wish my relationships had been like theirs, instead of the nests of pain they were.Do women ever think that when they play control games, or manipulate, or withold, or go addictive with spending, that they are advertising to men that marriage is a really bad deal? Men are stupid in their 20's- I know, they are. But they acquire wisdom, as pain brings wisdom. I know a woman in my town who divorced a drunk. OK, she had to. She had 3 kids. She had 2 boyfriends on the line, figuring one would pan out. But neither did- they didn't want to raise somebody else's kids. She was gorgeous, clearly in the cheerleader class in high school. But she had an edge to her, and men in their 40's are often intuitive, though they won't call it that. She thought it would be like high school, with men fawning over her. It wasn't. You might want to tell women, Barbara, that demographics shift. The men they used to throw drinks at, in bars, when they were 22, might be the only ones available, when they are 44. They might have really improved their lives- and they remember every insult inflicted on them, in high school, and college. You call this "baggage", in your trainings, I loved your visual. The jerks don't remember- they are high pressure salesmen, for an inferior product, when they get a no they just move on.Women go for jerks, in their 20's. I never could understand why. Do they want to feel superior? Do they want to mold him? I don't know. The nice guys who see this realize there is no reward for being a nice guy, and they put up their armor. Men remember what the football players were sleeping with, in high school. A man who is 40 knows what women are about. Poisonous snakes are beautiful, but that doesn't mean they want them around. High maintenance women are less and less desirable, as a man gets older. I intuitively calibrate women, from a distance. If they don't feel right, I avoid them, I won't even talk to them. I make myself invisible, or at least undesirable, to them. Maybe I pretend I'm a mean drunk. Maybe it might feel right to put on my "war face" just for a second, so they see it. Other guys are far better at this than I am. Many guys know how to play the indirect statement game, the language of inference, when they hit 4 decades. And they know to stay the heck away from women who have dark, unresolved stuff in them.Barbara, did you tell the women they need to really clean out all their resentment, hatred, disrespect, and every other emotion under 200 on David Hawkins' scale, about men, and life, before they start seeking out relationships? Did you tell them that the new guy's name is not Jesus, and he doesn't appreciate paying for other people's sins? The Qur'an says women have 9 times the desire men do. After about 35, this becomes more and more apparent.I was sitting at a hotel dining table, once. I heard a woman talking about how hard it was for her to find a relationship with a man. I had nothing else to do, so I listened. She went on and on. When she was winding it up, I took a quick glance. I would guess she was a good 80 lbs overweight, on a not that big frame. She had a hairstyle my 80 year old grand aunt used to wear. I'd say she was in her mid-30's, but looked 50. Her clothes fit her badly. She had many resentments. I understood immediately: she was scaring away potential partners. My intuitive calibration on her was "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger, Danger!"The most important thing you can say, though, is the binary thing- and you do cover that. A woman is either inside the circle of trust, or outside. If she's outside, getting in is difficult. If she's inside, it's very easy to be put outside.

"When a man does not feel good about himself, he will become less loving to you." ~ Barbara De AngelisBarbara De Angelis is obviously an expert on male-female relationships and as I read all her books I realize how much she has gone through to write such helpful guides. She bases her ideas on surveys and personal experience.The start of this book is mostly about changing yourself so you become more confident, stop mothering your man and stop nagging constantly. By irritating your man less you get a better relationship instantly. Then you can work on deeper levels of communication because your guy will actually be more interested in talking to you. Barbara De Angelis gives very good advice in this area too. She especially advises you to tell a man what you like to talk about and then stick to a plan. Basically leave the aimless conversations for when you are with your female friends or with a man who has a large corpus callosum. I personally find it more easy to talk to a man who is artistic."Like most women I've done all the wrong things to try to get a man to love me, and I`ve had to learn the hard way." ~ Barbara De AngelisThis book has some good tips on how not to rescue men and how to allow them to grow and evolve because they want to, not because you force them to. Barbara talks about how you should get your own life and seek support amongst female friends. As she says: "Men will never be women."Some of the surprising things in this book include the topic about reasons men want to have sex. You should also avoid asking a man what is wrong and asking a man how you look - especially if you want details.Barbara DeAngelis did men a favor when she wrote this book almost twenty years ago. This is an excellent pep talk for women who are fed up in their relationships. It gives women the power to change their relationships for the better all while allowing men to be men. This is not a book about changing men but rather a book that seeks to explain why men react the way they do. By making slight adjustments women can gain the love they need and deserve.Reading this book made me appreciate my husband more. I especially liked her advice on being straightforward with men. She suggests that when you are feeling upset you tell your man exactly what you want from him at that time. This saves hours of wasted time and gets you a faster result, especially if you want to avoid fights. Barbara DeAngelis encourages women not to think of men as mind readers.For the most part this book seems to be quite accurate so the only problem I had was that some of the solutions didn't take temperaments into consideration. A more outgoing partner may find it easier to plan events or take charge in various ways. This book does tell some secrets about men but it also explains how women act and react in relationships. I thought the section on sexuality was enlightening and men will love the advice when it is put into action.~The Rebecca Review

The book has great information but it is things we already know. I thought it was going to be more in depth information so I found this book very boring. I would recommend this for a young girl just starting to seriously date but not for someone who has been married for sometime

This was an interesting read and mostly common sense though. It helps reaffirm the ideas and opinion you may already have about your past and current relationships with males. It is worth borrowing from a friend or reading from the library, but I wouldn't pay again, at least not more than $7. It would be most helpful to younger woman who have had less life and romantic experience.

I've read a lot of books about men and relationships, but I found this book to contain new insight. I bought it for help with a book I'm writing so my men wouldn't sound like, or talk like, women. In my opinion, it would be a good book for all women thinking of, or in, a relationship with a man. We're different creatures, neither better than the other, and we need to respect and celebrate each other - and learn how to keep each side happy.

This is the second time I have purchased this book. The first time I let a friend borrow and never got it back! It really helps you to relate to the men in your life and gives you some insight as to what every woman in relationships with men will face or have already faced. Her interviews with men proved helpful. This book made for a great read!

A must-have guide for understanding your relationship! Suddenly, you will realize that all those things you thought were uniquely annoying in your significant other, were, ahem, pretty standard gender-based behaviors. Makes you feel very comforted and really an eye opener into ways to interact with someone you dearly love but sometimes fail to understand!

Nice

Very practical and informative, strongly recommended for couples and singles. Gives you practical strategies and solutions to better understand each other

I have expected much better some discussions are quite funny but overall i would not recommend this book.

Secrets about Men. No wonder the author has been divorced several times. The woman is sn idiot, she doesn't have a clue

I just bought it to understand women's perspective of men. Easy to read. gives useful insights.