Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples: 20th Anniversary Edition

I rarely write reviews but felt compelled to write one about this book. It was loaned to me by my therapist. My wife and I have been struggling in our marriage for years and no matter what I do (or she does), we always seem to fall back on the same old patterns of behavior that don't seem to work. Falling out of love has been a very painful experience indeed.The situations described in the book were very, very recognizable to me and at times I felt it described it described me and my own feelings exactly. Read this book, even if it is just for the realization that you are not alone in your struggles to make something out of your marriage.Nobody goes into marriage thinking they are going get divorced some day, but the statistics are grim. Roughly half of all marriages end up in divorce and of the remaining marriages probably 9 out of 10 couples sooner or later end up leading parallel lives where they try to find happiness and fulfillment outside of the relationship with their spouse. That means roughly only 1 in 20 couples end up building a lasting and fulfilling relationship that will last a lifetime. Are we expecting too much of marriage? Few of us would undertake an endeavor knowing there is only a 5% of succeeding, yet we do it anyway.The book goes on to illustrate that we chose our partners for very specific reasons that few of us are even aware of. Out of thousands of potential partners we are attracted to some people that subconsciously meet very specific character and personality traits. In a sense, we all marry into our problems, the very things that attract us to our partners, become the very same issues that drive a wedge between us.The book is very practical too in that offers specific exercises and guidelines for couples on how to interact with each other. But don't expect it to be easygoing by any means. I realize now that marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment every day to make and stay successful. You have to make it a top priority in your life and take nothing for granted. Expect to do a lot of soul searching, be prepared to relive some gut wrenching and painful experiences from the past, be wiling to learn and undo the conditioned automated responses that you have always used, be prepared to be brutally honest to yourself and your spouse. I fear it might be too late for my own marriage but once you get through this catharsis, I do believe you might actually come out with a happier and more fulfilling relationship on the other end.Regardless, I implore you to read this book. It might help you save your marriage or relationship before it's too late, but even if it does not, it might make you a better person, it will certainly help you build more meaningful relationships with other people and give you a better chance at building lasting and more meaningful future relationships. Good luck to all of you that need this book.

An absolute eye opener! For me it took reading about 58 first pages of the book to buy 10 of them for all of my friends. Later my friends bough even more for their friends. This book is a total eye opener for someone who went from religion to drinking, from dating wrong individuals and losing kids to the separation mess to swearing to be alone for the rest of the life just to "feel" happy. I can't express more thanks to Dr. Hendrix and his team for putting this material together. When I went through it I knew how I could have saved those precious things in my past I lost because I did not know who I was. A couple of additional thoughts. It does help to find a group of people or a counselor to discuss (vocalize) what you discover about yourself. Even if it is a close friend. We all have a tendency of sliding back to our original comfort zone. Don't let what you learn be forgotten for it will be. Secondly, don't be surprised if some people (including your those close to you) have a different reaction to what you read. My girlfriend at the time could not deal with the proposed exercises and we ended up breaking up instead of saving the ending relationship. There were also a couple of friends who were well-read on psychology books. Stay away from those individuals and don't let them spoil your discovery of yourself. I was strong enough not to listen to them and the book made me a better man. Last and not least, speak about your findings and get the pain out of your chest. You have no idea what it means for your friends (the real friends) to understand you better to be able to help when you need it with the most appropriate action. People started showing more interest in me as I was uncovering the damage done to my individuality through incorrect upbringing. The latter also sparked a lot of conversations with my own parents. There were some hurtful ones. You will learn that your folks live in a bubble of belief that they were doing the right thing for you and actually succeeded in it. I came to realize that they almost succeeded at failing me and my sister. So the next step is learning how to forgive now that all the pain and skeletons are out.

A wonderful book that has been updated after 20 years of more tried and true field experience. This additional fine tuning will help even more individuals/couples get the love that they want. Easy to read with good real life examples of couples who struggle to heal their wounds and those of their partner. The personal insights alone were worth the read, but to have a road map of healing myself and helping my husband to heal were priceless. I have purchased this book as a gift for many people -- some were burgeoning psychotherapists that I thought could use some help understanding the much deeper meaning of the re-occurring scenarios in marital discord -- some were mature couples ready to re-define and re-shape their marriage into something much deeper and more satisfying -- other recipients were young couples whose marriage was in trouble and needed the assurance not to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble and to use the road map [exercises and weekend workshops] to return to getting the love that they wanted and were often desperately while still in the first throws of romantic love. The authors have "been there/done that" and live the examples that they so lovingly write about. Even if your spouse/significant other is not inclined to seek/receive help, even if you are single and no longer want to be or even if you want to delve deeper into your own psyche to heal some of your personal wounds this book will be a tremendous help on the way to a deeper understanding of yourself amd of others. You don't have to have an intimate and/or close relationship with someone to appreciate their wounds -- your friends, family, children, acquaintances, and even in the macrocosm -- your community -- to better understand, appreciate and compassionately live with them. I highly recommend this book as a resource to getting the love you want in your life.

I've read a lot of books on relationships and this one is the best. Everyone needs to read it!It starts off explaining how our childhood experiences lead us to choose the partners we do. It's a Freudian perspective but makes a lot of sense. It then moves on to how to improve your relationship and has countless practical examples and exercises to complete.It is clear that the authors know what they're talking about and that their methods of supporting couples to improve their relationships are very effective.I couldn't recommend this more.

Arrived fairly promptly as expected. Not yet read but looks like will be very interesting/helpful.

A practical, easily accessible guide to what's going wrong in your romantic relationships, why, and how to fix it. Seriously. It works.

Brilliant book and excellent quality. Fascinating read, highly recommend.

Dieses Buch sollte im Schrank JEDES Paares stehen. Ich werde es fortan zu jeder Hochzeit schenken und werde es sicher noch öfter lesen.Im ersten Teilbereich erklärt Hendrix (IMAGO Therapie Erfinder, langjähriger Paartherapeut) warum wir uns spezielle Partner aussuchen - mit den positiven UND negativen Seiten. Er erklärt wie das "alte Gehirn" sich zunächst rudimentären Instinkten beugt z.B. einen starken Mann oder eine fruchtbare Frau zu suchen. Viel interessanter noch fand ich den Abschnitt zum "neuen Gehirn" - hier stellt er auf, dass wir uns unseren Partner exakt mit seinen positiven Eigenschaften UND insbesondere den negativen Eigenschaften aussuchen, um die Gefühlszustände der Kindheit zu heilen indem wir u.A. die Verletzungen durch unsere Bezugspersonen nochmals erleben und überwinden. Zuviel möchte ich an dieser Stelle nicht verraten, es ist alles im Buch fantastisch und leicht verständlich erklärt.Im zweiten Teilbereich geht es um den Umgang mit dieser Erkenntnis und wie sich Partnerschaft dadurch verändert - insbesondere wie sie sich wenn gerade der Besuch im langen Schattenland ansteht (kurz vor Trennung) eine Beziehung noch kitten lässt unter der Voraussetzung, dass beide Partner bereit sind es zu versuchen - und das sollten sie! Denn nach Hendrix IMAGO bedeutet es im krassen formuliert, dass wir mit JEDEM Partner lebenslang glücklich sein können, wenn beide sich auf das Thema einlassen. Seine "radikale These" unterstreicht er mit einem großen Seitenhieb in Richtung "Scheidung bedeutet persönlichen Wachstum", hat er in seiner Praxis jedoch festgestellt, dass eine Scheidung oft nur ein Austausch des Individuums mit dem gleichen Resultat ist. Jedenfalls zeigt er im zweiten Abschnitt des Buches sehr deutlich, wie mittlerweile distanzierte Paare wieder zueinander finden können und welche Erkenntnisse aus dem ersten Abschnitt wie im täglichen Umgang zu einem näheren Zusammenwachsen führen können.Der dritte Abschnitt besteht aus 18 Paarübungen. Diese sind in meinen Augen sinnvoll, egal ob man gerade total verliebt ist oder im Schattenland. Es ist der Schritt aufeinander zu und der ist in jeder Paarsituation bereichernd.Mein Fazit: ABSOLUTE KAUFEMPFEHLUNG MUSS MAN GELESEN HABEN-BUCH!